Shortness of breath. Uncontrollable trembling. Nausea. Fear of losing control. Fear of dying.

Panic attacks are one of the worst things a person can experience and for those with panic and anxiety disorders, life can be cruelly dictated by them. It is common for sufferers to avoid certain activities or to partake but be dogged by the constant fear of having a panic attack.

Luckily there are strategies you can use to overcome a panic attack.


Slow breathing

Rapid breathing is one of the earliest symptoms of a panic attack and actually leads to more symptoms of increasing levels of discomfort. Slow your breathing down by counting to 5 on each breath in and out. If you find yourself counting too quickly and can’t slow yourself down, instead try to hold your breath for 5 seconds (or counts) between each inhale and exhale.

Engage the senses

As much as it sounds like a new age mantra, this is actually a really good technique to bring your concentration and focus away from your fears and instead take notice of what is really going on around you. List five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. Just don’t let any of these be your symptoms!

Relax

It sounds pretty stupid. After all, if you were able to relax the thought of running into someone you know and having to say “hello” wouldn’t make you too scared to leave the house. But instead of trying to relax your whole body, try to relax just one body part. It could be as small as a finger, but being able to relax even a small part of your body will help you realize you can be in control - and that the attack will end.

Listen to a Waltz

Music with a “triple metre” like a waltz is proven to subconsciously promote relaxation. Put together a playlist of waltzes for when you feel the early symptoms of a panic attack, or simply commit to memory a few bars that you can run through your head when your phone or iPod isn’t available.

Accept what is happening

The worst thing that will happen to you is already happening to you. While it’s a far cry from inspirational (it’s much closer to morbid really), the truth is the fear that you feel during your panic attack is as bad as it gets. You’ve had panic attacks before. You know that they eventually end. As horrible and uncomfortable as they are, they will go away. 


If you think you may have a panic or anxiety disorder, it is important to seek professional help . There are more permanent techniques with long term or temporary modalities along with therapies to decrease anxieties, gain coping skills and eliminate the attacks. Feel free to comment below how you have taken back control of your attacks.

7:14:00 PM

Are you always tired? Even if you get more rest than usually do (which these days is four hours instead of two), you find that you still need someone to pry your body off of the mattress with a spatula. Your mind keeps racing, dwelling in the stress of the day ahead. You find yourself turning to one extra cup of coffee to get you through the last few hours so that you can go home and cook dinner. You’re irritable. You keep getting sick more often than usual, sometimes even lightheaded.


Did I just describe any given weekday in your life?



The burnout is real, and you may be suffering from it. Adrenal burnout is when your body produces too much Cortisol and adrenaline. These two hormones are produced by our adrenal glands. Cortisol regulates your immune system, sexual organs and desires, your blood sugar, as well as how you respond to stress.

You may have heard of the other hormone, adrenaline before. It’s that blood that gets pumping when you are faced with various situations. It’s what makes you decide to pull someone out of a burning car, or to hit the pavement when someone chases you. Adrenaline is what makes our bodies go into a “flight or fight response.” And some days, we are just so tired of fighting.

Our body produces both Cortisol and adrenaline more frequently when it faced with constant stress. If you are constantly multi-tasking, balancing plates on paper thin wands, chances are you feel overwhelmed. This leads to you skipping meals, restricting calorie intake, and other unhealthy eating habits like binging on fatty foods. Your first instinct to remedy the fatigue overcoming your body is to add more sugar and coffee. This gives you jitters that causes crashes and will keep you awake at night.

It becomes a sick cycle that you can’t break. However, there are some ways to combat these problems before they worsen. Eventually, these tips can lead you down a path to fixing your adrenal burnout. Like our hair needs to be shampooed, our bodies need exercise, and our bellies need food, our adrenal glands need a little TLC as well. Here are some ways you can give your adrenal glands a “spring” tune up this season.

      



      Limit Your Coffee Intake


I know. It’s as natural as breathing. The only way we know how to combat being a zombie is through an IV drip of Starbucks with an extra shot of espresso. However, adding more caffeine to your diet just exasperates all the symptoms of low blood sugar.The dizziness? Irritability? Shakiness? Might as well add gasoline to a burning house in hopes to put out the flames.
Instead of reaching for a cup of joe, try giving yourself a good stretch. Step away from your blue computer screen and sit upright. Observe your breaths. Go deeper and deeper with each inhale and exhale as you lift your shoulders up to your ears with each breath in, and lower them, gliding your shoulder blades down your spine on each breath out. You will find yourself a lot less stressed and re-energized in just five minutes.
          

           Bye-Bye Sweets


If you thought coffee was doing a number on your psyche, take a second to consider how many refined sugars you are putting into your body. When your adrenal glands are always battling fatigue, it does two things. One of two things is that it emits adrenaline that creates glucose to release into the bloodstream. That way your body can gobble up the glucose and make energy out of it to combat whatever issues you have going on.
Adrenal fatigue also causes the Cortisol levels in your body to drop. These reactions usually result in low blood pressure.

As you introduce excess refined sugars into your diet, your blood sugar will spike. This will causes insulin to come and clean up the excess glucose in the bloodstream. As these chains of reactions continue, blood sugar will plummet following an initial insulin spike. Now, the adrenals need to bring the blood sugar back up, causing a sick cycle. How sick is it? Glad you asked. It’s killing your adrenal glands. Low blood sugar leads to insulin resistance, which in turn increases your Cortisol levels. If your body is fighting off the help of insulin, its cells are also resisting energy created by the glucose.

  

         Get Blood Work & Take Supplements



There are a number of vitamin deficiencies that can lead to adrenal burnout. Try going to a functional physician and getting a physical. That way they can pinpoint which vitamins and minerals your body is lacking. A good place to start is with your B-complex vitamins, as well as the usual suspects in Vitamins A, C, D and E.  Magnesium, selenium, and zinc are also important for proper functioning of both the adrenal and thyroid glands. Do not be afraid for them to check your DHEA, Pregnelnolone, Cortisol, Iron, Testosterone, and Homosystine.

     Cut Down Exercise

   
What? I know. It sounds crazy, but stop pushing yourself so hard! You are just adding more stress into your life.

However, that does not mean to become that body in bed in need of a good spatula scraping. Take on yoga. It’s a great way to clear the mind and become more in tune with what your body needs. If that seems intimidating, even something as simple as going for a walk around the neighborhood, or a light bike ride would be a good replacement for running 10 miles on the treadmill. Keep your body active, but don’t stress it out.

      Change Up Your Plate









      If your adrenal glands are out of whack, eat more vegetables, foods rich with omegas, and good carbs. For breakfast, get rid of the sugary cereal and make yourself some omega rich eggs, or avocado toast. Introduce chia seeds to your protein shake. You want these healthy fats to kick start your day.  

For snacks, bring carrot sticks and hummus, celery and peanut butter, raw almonds and raisins, or Vitamin C rich fruits like oranges and kiwis. Lunch time should consist of a superfood salad with some grilled chicken, a caprese sandwich, or three bean salad. Dinner? More healthy fats and protein-rich carbs like smoked salmon and a mix of quinoa, buckwheat, or lentils.


It may seem like the burnout has a hold of you, but you need to get a hold of the burnout. Getting back into a healthy routine is the best way to give your adrenals a nice spring tune up this season. Cut the excess sugars and caffeine out of your life. Have more balanced meals and be sure to be supplement properly. Finally, stop pushing yourself too hard in the gym. You are pushing yourself hard enough in every other aspect of your life. You should be taking pleasure in working out, not adding more stress. Following these tips should start to get your adrenal gland out of the funk it’s in, and have you taking on the day with a smile in no time!
9:00:00 AM
Think you can’t have a magnificent Valentine’s Day as a single lady? Think again. This year’s can be your absolute loveliest yet.


Here’s our challenge to you: juice Valentine’s Day.  Juice it of its goodness and throw out the pulp. You know, the commercialism. That money-grubbing notion that you haven’t shown love unless you’ve shelled out wads of cash on expensive jewels and crazy lavish dinners. Or that if you’re not in a relationship, then you’re the loser that have to look on as others “win.” Throw it all out.
So what’s the goodness? What’s worth keeping?


Love.
Love that takes action to express itself.
Thoughtfulness.
Going out of your way to celebrate and serve someone else in a way that considers their desires first.
Atmosphere.
Basking in the beauty of a softly lit space, sumptuous music and sweet, sweet peace.
With that in mind, we’re giving you a few of our favorite positively lovely Valentine’s Day plans that’ll have you counting down the days 'til VD!
Decide to indulge in a fresh, new experience.




Single Valentine’s Days can go sour if you’re stewing about the ex who broke your heart all day - meditating on the past. The best way to get present? Create a much more beautiful, brand new memory! Decide to go indoor skydiving, take a Thai cooking class, book a hot air balloon ride with a friend, enjoy a spa service you’ve never had, read your poetry at an open mic for the first time … your heart will be so full!
Go deep.
But on the other hand, sometimes it’s time to go deep. Sometimes days like VD are perfect for reflection - if you feel that would be healthy for your heart. If you can’t stop yourself from thinking about relationships, why not lean in and make all that pondering meaningful and uplifting?


Take yourself on a little retreat. Find a beautiful cafe or park or even get yourself a hotel room for the night somewhere pretty. Heck, you could even invite another single, positive friend to join you and double your reflection and growth.
Then spend some time journaling through these questions:
  • What blessings do I bring to the life of someone I’m in a relationship with?
  • In my past relationships, what did I learn about how to have a great one? How did I contribute to how things played out?
  • What life and love lessons do I want to bring with me into a future relationship?
  • What broken patterns do I want to leave in the past?
  • What hurts still need healing? I can I move towards healing them?
  • What traits do I realize now are important to have in my future love?
  • If a relationship is something I desire, what practical step can I take this week towards finding a meaningful relationship?
You’ll be amazed at the richness and healing that can happen when you use questions like this to mine your past of what’s good and what builds you up.
Take yourself on a date, thoughtfully.




Spend some time carefully crafting a day that celebrates what you love. Ask yourself, “What’s a dinner I love?” Treat yourself to it. “What’s an outfit I feel beautiful in?” Wear it. “What’s an album I love?” Play it on a loop. “What’s a movie I love?” Get cozy and watch it. “What’s something fun I don’t let myself do often?” Get out those watercolors and paint! (With your favorite album playing.) “Who’s a person I love?” Call them up and make plans to be together, whether it’s your baby niece, a childhood friend or your office bestie.


Which brings us to …


Be the love-er.



Self love doesn’t mean you have to be by yourself. Or even that things need to be all about you. Giving to others does something special to your heart. It’s a gift to you and to them! Reach out to people you love and scheme how to make the day special for them. Tell a friend with kids that you’re coming over to hang out with them so she and her hubs can have a night out. Have lunch with your mom and bring her that new book she’d love to read, wrapped in a pretty bow. Think of something you've promised to do for a friend or family member and haven't yet - then do it! Joyfully! Grab drinks with some girlfriends and find a moment to let them know why (specifically) you’re so thankful for their friendship. Volunteer at a women’s shelter and spend time listening to the women’s stories.


Love is all around and the best way to feel it is by giving some, whether it’s to yourself, or to the wonderful people around you.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Make it beautiful.


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11:41:00 PM








From summer’s heat to hectic holidays with barely a blink…then wake up to a New Year, feeling disconnected as we scramble to make resolutions to get us back on track, but it doesn’t have to be this way. What if I told that a little check-in and change in action now, would help keep you on track and energized through to the New Year and beyond? Autumn is the time of year to slow down and become grounded in our connection to ourselves. During this transition from summer’s heat and long days to the coolest and darkest time of the year and we can often experience a sense of loss as the leaves drop and the light fades, however, we can cultivate balance during this time of transition. Autumn is the perfect time to check-in with yourself, practice self-care and store up energy for the holidays when we often give the most of ourselves to others. Fall is all about making sure you are connected to yourself, here’s my top tips to keep you grounded.

Slow Down and Practice Self Care 



Shorter days are Mother Nature’s way of slowing us down. During the fall, you’ll want to enjoy the harvest of your efforts all year up to this point, so take a serious look at your commitments and to-do list and cut back. Once you’ve created some breathing room, it’s time to do just that…breath and begin to practice self-care. Self-care means just that, caring for yourself. The reason that illness can so easily overtake us in the fall is that we forget to take care of ourselves. Taking time for yourself to read, meditate, journal or simply breath is the first step in developing an in tuned self-care practice. It is only from a calm and peaceful place, that we can truly answer the question ‘What do I need.’

Sleep More 



During the fall, it’s time to adjust our internal clocks and get more sleep. When we don’t get enough sleep, our bodies don’t have the time to rest and we compromise our immune systems, which is why fall is prime time for colds and flu. Additionally, lack of sleep, is linked to weight gain, putting us at risk to gain unwanted weight before we even indulge in holiday treats. To wind down at the end of the day, create a routine by turning off electronics, and dimming the lights while you enjoy a cup of warm herbal tea.



Eat Nourishing Seasonal Foods 



Fall is the best time to eat healthy hearty foods from the garden as nourishing warm meals. Making healthy foods for ourselves and our families helps us to connect both to the natural world and each other. Eating stews, soups and casseroles through the fall, nourishes our bodies with nutrients from the bounty of the harvest at the market.


 Exercise 


Maintaining regular and consistent exercise throughout the fall, will not only keep your body healthy, it will help you deal with stress and feel calm, while also boosting your energy and helping you to control your weight. The cooler temps and vibrant colors of fall are great for outdoor exercise and being in the sun will help to boost your Vitamin D before winter.

Create Space 


Fall is the perfect time to organize your home and bring out your cool weather clothes. As you re-arrange, take this opportunity to create space in your home by decluttering and downsizing. When our schedules and minds are hectic, our homes can be too, and consciously creating order and space in your home will help you to feel organized in all aspects of your life.

Connect with Yourself 


Now is the time to connect with yourself and to create a feeling of being grounded in all aspects of your life. How do you feel about: yourself, your family, your career and your goals? Are you staying on track? Journaling about your thoughts, feelings, goals and actions will help you to see how you feel and record your accomplishments. By keeping yourself in tuned with the rhythms of nature, you’ll keep yourself in balance and enjoy preparing for winter.



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6:56:00 AM


Everyone has days where they feel sad and down. For some, this feeling last only a couple of minutes while others can’t seem to shake this feeling off. If you happen to fall into this category, do not despair, there are basic things you could implement into your daily life that will make you feel happier and refreshed.

Exercise



If  you have heard exercising makes you a happier person but you are wondering how true this is.  When we exercise, our body releases a hormone called endorphin which is responsible for creating the happy feeling.

There have been numerous studies which have proven the efficacy of exercise to reduce symptoms of depression and promote happiness.

On days when you feel like the world has landed on your shoulders, take a walk in the park, run on a treadmill, cycle or sprint. Engage in some form of physical activity and you will be amazed by the happy feeling that flushes in.

If the idea of exercising doesn’t excite you now, try it just once, and wait till you are all sweaty and have complete something challenged you, I promise you will be back for more.


Be Thankful for Everything.





Photo credit; Bethbingaman  (http://www.bethbingaman.com/a-lesson-on-prayer/)

If you could make a list of all the things you are grateful for,  you will see that you have enough reasons to be happy and this will cheer you up. When you wake up in the morning or before you go to bed at night, write down the things you are thankful for—did you go out and come home without being involved in an accident?  Were you a victim of any mishap? Do you have a bed to sleep in? Start small and make it a daily habit to be thankful for everything.
You should always keep in mind that there are people who have less than what you have and who will give anything to have what you have got. Being thankful takes your mind off the negatives and places it on the good things ahead.


Bond With Family and Friends




People that isolate and are alone easily can slip into depression. Always be around friends and family who love you and have your interest at hand. Spend quality time with them and feed on their good and positive vibes. You were given a family for a reason. Do not spend time brooding alone when you could share your problems with them and feel a lot better. David M Gilbert, the author of Stumbling On Happiness once said;
We are happy when we have family, we are happy when we have friends and almost all the other things we think make us happy are actually just ways of getting more family and friends.



Sleep More.






When you are exhausted you cannot be happy. Not getting enough sleep will leave you feeling cranky, worked up and irritated. According to the sleep foundation, an adult is required to get an average of 7-9 hours of sleep daily.[4] According to research not getting sufficient sleep will make you have negative thoughts throughout day. Lower coping skills, and have a negative impact on health.  Getting sufficient sleep everyday no matter how busy you are is one step to finding happiness and  health.

Do Not Dwell On Past Mistakes.






So what if you made a mistake? Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. Dwelling on what could have been rather that what is will leave you feeling depressed. Move past regrets, let whatever it is that happened and forgive yourself completely.  You have to be happy, satisfied and content with your present situation. Forgive yourself and others and you will feel better than you have ever felt. Every lesson is a learning lesson. Remember the quote don't stumble on something that is behind you!




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7:39:00 AM

We’re conditioned to get introspective around New Years every year. We set new fitness goals, new travel aspirations, new relationship resolutions and new career ambitions. We commit to being disciplined and better friends and to following through. And all of those things are wonderful. So wonderful in fact, that they’re worth checking back in on. Now’s the time to celebrate mid-year progress, track what’s working (or not) and jump back on the horse if you’ve started to let yourself slip into old bad habits.

If this seems daunting, don’t get overwhelmed! At Enjoying the Art of Living, we believe you can live beautifully and enjoy every single day by making simple shifts that have big impact. Our health, wellness, relationship and lifestyle articles are full of practical tips to do just that! Wander our site for fresh inspiration. 

But first, here’s how to do your check-in:

Grab paper and make 5 columns. Name them:

Health
Relationships
Work
Adventure
Heart

Under each column, write 1 goal you had this year for that area of your life. For example, in your relationship column, you might write: “Skype or meet up with a friend once a week.” In the adventure column you might write: “Play an original song at an open mic.” or “Get scuba certified.” or “Take a trapeze class.” In your heart column, you might write: “Spend the first 20 minutes of my day in prayer.” or “Make peace with [family member’s name here.]”

Next, go back to each column and write one accomplishment you’ve made in that area this year. This is the part we so often overlook when we check in on our goals. We don’t celebrate enough. By writing down your wins, your heart gets happy, you feel less strive-y and you’re fueled to do even more.

For example, in the health column you might write: “I’ve switched to only eating free range, organic meats.” or “I joined the rock climbing gym.” In the work column you might write: “I refreshed my resume.” or “I got a kick-butt evaluation from my boss.” or “I hired my first employee for my business!”

The final step is to go back through each column and write one small thing you can, starting today, to achieve the goal you’d set for that area. For example, in the relationship column you might write: “Text [friend’s name here] to set up a coffee date.” In the work column you might write: “Sign up for the e-course about transitioning from your day job to your dream job.” In the adventure column you might write: “Research scuba schools near me.”

And there you have it. Your goals. Your wins. And the small, powerful steps you can take today to build the loveliest life possible.


Oh! And before you go - a free gift for you!



10:30:00 AM

A Brief Look at Pressure World Wide

                Both stress and pressure, often used synonymously, are no stranger to any of us.  Simply being born into this world is a stressful event.  Going through the motions of life can involve a lot of pressure.  If things are going well, we feel pressure to sustain that state of being.  If things aren’t going well, we feel pressure to get things in order.  In other words, no matter what your current status in life, this is something that can affect you and it is completely universal.

                But does it differ from country to country (our causes of pressure)?  As it turns out, they don't differ, not by much.  According to Sleep Review: The Sleep Journal for Sleep Specialist, money is actually the number one cause for pressure as reported by 29% of 27,000 consumers, in Argentina, Australia, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, China, Czech Republic, France, Germany, Hong Kong, Italy, Japan, Mexico, Netherlands, Poland, Russia, South Korea, Spain, Sweden, Turkey, UK and USA.  Sleep deprivation is the close second.  And of course different countries, counties, or demographics have varying concerns about violent crime rates and political unrest. 

                And then individually we all experience different bouts of existential pressure.  We want to live up to an ideal or a potential that either we invented or bought into from the advertising we are bombarded by.  It isn’t surprising then, that money is a concern world-wide since money buys us power.  The road to our dreams is partially paved by money, only escapable if perhaps your dream is to be a monk and meditate on the finer gains in life. 


Use Your Stress as a Tool

                There is a health psychologist known by the name of Kelly McGonigal, who has made it her mission to change the narrative on what stress can do to the body.  She’s given a Ted talk about “making stress your friend”.  She cited a study that tracked 30,000 adults in the United States for 8 years.  They began by asking people how much stress they had experienced in the last year, and then they’d ask them what their beliefs on stress were (whether or not they believed it was harmful for their health).  And then finally, they used public health records to figure out who died.  Those who believed stress was harmful to their health had a 43% increase in mortality risk, whereas those who believed it wouldn't hurt them actually had the lowest risk of dying out of anyone in the study.  She also pointed to research that claimed participants in a stress test performed better when they believed that their stress would be an effective tool to help them with the challenge.

                So in other words, one way to deal with pressure is to try and gain some optimism.  Learn to be unthreatened about your stress, especially if it is a normal response to an event.  Dealing with customers is stressful.  Dealing with relationships can be stressful.  Sometimes driving is stressful.  But it is normal to have a stress response, and it is your body doing you a favor.  The trick is to understand the stress response as the body’s way of prepping, and to appreciate its mechanisms.  


If You Can’t Channel It, Release It

                Sometimes pressure can come out of nowhere and be unnecessary or is self induced.  While, no, it’s not going to kill you, you might wish to release it to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings it can present.  Proven methods of releasing stress are the still the ones we most often hear about, exercise, sex, laughter, or time with loved ones.

                Exercise is great because it gets you high, literally.  For a long time, endorphins were believed to be the home-brewed opiates responsible for the feeling of runner’s high, since elevated levels were observed in the bloodstream after intensive jogs.  What they didn’t consider back then is that it is a rather large molecule that doesn’t cross the blood brain barrier.  So, as it turns out, it was not the one responsible for that peaceful state of mind.  What gives a person runner’s high then, you may be wondering?  Almost too coincidentally, it’s the same stuff that can actually get you high.  A 2003 study published in the Journal of Neuroreport, took male college students running on a treadmill or cycling a stationary bike for 50 minutes, and found the first evidence that exercise activates the endocannabinoid system.  Isn’t that neat?  You make your own cannabinoids without ever going near a cannabis plant.  So if you want to experience one of the best natural highs nature has to offer, just go and get some exercise.

                Another helpful aid, laughter, might be beneficial for the same reasons that exercise is.  It is thought that true belly laughs can actually activate a lot of muscles in the body.  A Dr. Fry claims, “In fact, between 100 and 200 laughs a day is equivalent to ten minutes of rowing or jogging.”  Laughter is thought to do all sorts of things like activate pain relief within the body as well as make one more socially inclined or feel less lonely.  Watching a comedy show or spending time with a friend who makes you giggle a lot can be the perfect way to blow off steam.

                Spending the day doing a hike or being out in the open air of nature can be a fantastic relief to pressure as well.  Sometimes nature humbles us, and thus shrinks our problems, allowing us to put things in perspective.  Getting a bigger intake of oxygen can also aid our bodies in carrying out its primary functions.  Deep breathing makes us calmer partly because it increases our intake of oxygen. So don’t break out that Xanax just yet; try the aforementioned methods that aren’t habit-forming, at least not in a maladaptive manner, first.


In Conclusion--It’s Actually Not Rocket Science


                The good news is how simple this is.  You are not alone in feeling pressure.  It is absolutely a world wide experience.  It won’t kill you if you don’t believe it will.  It can help you and be your friend in moving you towards your potential.  And if you don’t want it around anyway, there’s a handful of ways to release it or get rid of it via doing things that we all can enjoy, such as hiking,  laughing, or socializing with good company.

                
6:09:00 PM

Beautiful relationships are all about how your life is interwoven with the lives of the people you love - so when your relationship ends, you can be left feeling literally torn apart. And confused and hurt and angry and hopeless. How do you heal your heart and get excited to move forward again when you have to reckon with all of the time you put into knowing and being known by a person? And when all of a sudden the person you talked to every day isn’t someone you can call anymore? And when the person you’d made plans for the future with won’t be a part of those plans anymore? And when you feel rejected by someone who you’d opened up to?

The hard news is that a relationship has ended. But the good news is this transition time is an opportunity! It’s a chance to become an even braver, wiser, more adventurous, compassionate and confident version of yourself. When you move forward healthily and gracefully, you grow. And every relationship you have in the future will benefit from what you’ve just learned. 

So let’s dig into four practical ways to heal and move on after a breakup or fallout or the end of any relationship:

1. When Possible, Make Peace:

Moving on is so much simpler when you’re not leaving active turmoil behind. Knowing that things are left unresolved or that there’s lingering anger or hurt is an invitation to keep turning the breakup or fallout over and over in your mind. And when it’s all you’re thinking about, healing is put on hold. Here are a few ways to make peace, regardless of how well or poorly the relationship ended:

a. Write a sincere letter. If you’re the kind of person who’s an internal processor - or who always feels like you think of the perfect thing to say after a conversation’s already over, writing a letter is a great way to make sure you’ve said what you want. And you can edit out things you might regret saying. It can be a letter of apology detailing what you wish you’d done differently and acknowledging how your actions affected the other person. Or maybe you’ve never had a chance to clearly articulate how the other person hurt you. Maybe a friendship has ended because of distance or differences, but you’d still like to let that person know how much their friendship meant to you. Write them a letter thanking them for all the ways they brought joy into your life. 

No matter what the content of your letter, be honest, be gracious and try your best to present your perspective in a way that can inspire growth in both of you.


b. Grab coffee (or jump on Skype) and talk things out. Maybe things ended abruptly (or maybe they’re being dragged out) and you’d like to have a calm conversation to talk things out face to face. Start by letting the person know what you hope to get out of the conversation. For example, “I wanted to get a chance to listen to your perspective on what happened between us, so that I don’t hold onto any misunderstandings.” or “I’d love to decide together about what things will look like for us moving forward.” (Maybe you need some time of no contact so that you can heal your heart, before you can start communicating again.)  

Either way, decide in your mind beforehand the outcome you’d like from the conversation.

c.  Decide in your heart to forgive. This one often takes time, and can be extremely difficult when you’ve been deeply wronged or betrayed by a person. But when you can forgive, regardless of whether the person deserves it or even asks for forgiveness, you lighten your own emotional load. You won’t have to carry the burden of hatred and resentment and hurt, dragging it along into all of your future relationships.

2. Juice the Experience:

Juicing is all about wringing the goodness out of something and then discarding what you can’t use. You can use that same process to help move forward with new wisdom and insights after a relationship ends. 


Answer these questions to begin the process of extracting the good and discarding the bad - and write down your answers! Getting these insights out of your head and onto paper will be super helpful:
    1. Why did the relationship end? Did I do anything to contribute to it ending? Did the other person? Was it just circumstances outside of our control?
    2. What did [person’s name] teach me about relationships?
    3. What did interacting with this person teach me about myself?
    4. What was most challenging to me about this relationship?
    5. What mistakes did I make with [person’s name] that I don’t want to repeat in future relationships?
    6. How did I grow by knowing [person’s name]?
    7. What aspects of this relationship will I leave behind and decide not to revisit in my mind or heart?

3.  Establish New Boundaries:

A wound can’t heal if you keep picking at it. Decide what boundaries are most conducive to your healing and then set clearly articulated boundaries for yourself and for that person. 


Will talking with the person on a regular basis reopen the wound of hurt over and over? Will checking their Facebook make you depressed? How will you respond if the person reaches out to you? Will you still spend time with each other’s families? Get each other birthday gifts? Do you need a stretch of time to yourself before you can start spending time together again? Or in extreme circumstances, do you need to make it clear that you can’t ever speak to that person again?

These can be pretty intense questions to answer, especially since the answers may be different for each person in the relationship, but they’re worth thinking through.

4.  Re-Imagine Your Future:

Often the most exciting part of a relationship is making plans together. And the most hurtful part of a relationship ending is feeling like your future plans have been ripped out of your hands. The future plans that used to fill you with anticipation are now just a source of pain. So how do you rebuild that feeling of hope and excitement for what’s coming next? Answering these questions can help:

a.  What have I always wanted to do that I haven’t yet and can do this year? (for example: horseback riding lessons, starting a blog, painting, learning guitar, writing a book, taking a trip)
b.  What friendships / relationships can I dedicate more time to now that this relationship has ended?
c.  Who do I feel passionate about helping or serving? (for example: do you love the idea of spending time with the elderly at nursing homes, or volunteering at an animal shelter or helping out at a soup kitchen?)

In life we can’t always plan what happens to us, or control the choices that other people make, but what we can choose is the way we react and grow from the experiences we’re given. I hope these ideas have given you hope and direction so that you can move forward as an even more awesome version of yourself.   



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